My sister's dog was just neutered last week. My eldest son, who is six, had some questions.
Him: Why is Aubie wearing that cone?
Me: Because his boy part got cut off.
Him: What?! I would die!
Me: Well... he still has his wiener. They just had to cut off his balls.
Him (totally serious, by the way): Are you sure his butt didn't swallow his balls?
Me: (in traffic) Come on over, douche canoe! I'm surrounded by idiots! Oh... Don't say the naughty words mom says, kids!
Him: Then don't SAY them, MOM.
Him: Mom... Don't speak Spanish.
Me: What? Why?
Him: The new girl, Fernanda, doesn't know what the heck I'm saying. She takes her books out at the wrong time and I'm like hey! Wrong time, Fernanda! But she's like... Spanish. So, don't speak Spanish or you won't know what I'm saying.
Me: BAHAHAHA!
Me: Do you like my new shoes, buddy?
Him: Mom, you are so stylish.
Him: Did you know there are people in this world that don't want kids?!
Me: Really? Why not?
Him: Because they buy cars with only two doors!
Him: Mom, you know what's really stupid?
Me: No, what?
Him: People sleeping in [Asia] when they don't live there.
Me: .....yes.
Him: Mom... it is not okay to poop in the bathtub.
Me: .....????
Him: Guess what mom said I can say?
Sister: What's that?
Him: Oh my gosh!!
Sister: Oh my gosh?
Him: Yeah, like, OH MY GOSH WE'RE GOING TO DDDIIIEEE!!!!
Him: Look at this Halo (as in the video game) guy over here!
Me: Oh, that's cute!
Him: MOM. It is NOT cute. It's awesome... (Sigh)
Me: Supercalifragilisticexpialidoc
Him: Stop!
Me: You don't think my singing is cool?
Him: It's beautiful, but it is NOT cool.
Me: It's time for bed, dude. Seriously.
Him: I will sleep when my heart tells me it's tired!
PC Laptops Commercial: "... because we love you!"
Him: WHAT?! Fix 'puter guys don't love people! Uggggghhhhh!
Him: Were you little when you married dad?
Me: Little???
Him: Well, not little... medium sized? Were you?
Bean got a to-go style barf bag when we left the hospital after a minor surgery. He never used it, so I threw it away. Then this ensued...
Him: Can I eat the rest of my candy in bed?
Me: No, I don't really feel like cleaning up your barf in the middle of the night. You can have a cheese stick or you can just go to bed.
Him: Mooooommmm! I. HAVE. A. BARF. BAG.
Me: I threw it away, you didn't use it!
Him: WHAT?! I never barfed in it! Seriously!?! I could have used that!
Me: (blank stare)
Me: We aren't leaving your room until you've cleaned the whole thing.
Him: Mom, you're annoying me.
Husband: Do you want some burrito?
Him: Oh my gosh, I told you to stop speaking spanish!
I only scrolled back to December of last year, but I figured these were enough gems to get me through his first date. You're welcome.
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